down to earth

The thing is my brain was forming new tissues and was healing itself when suddenly I decided to zap it .. so in a way, my brain, at least the part that was hurt was kind of like a baby’s brain .. with newly formed cells .. maybe I’m wrong but that’s what I thought .. so it could be true that I did something to part of my brain through the cat scan to cause those convulsions if everything before that was fine..

Just had a mild concussion on Friday right before my flight (which I cancelled) .. and then convulsions four days after.. to wish that I had been writing about it while I had it and during would be like wishing extra torture but I remember the way I look back on it now is different from how I remember wanting to write about it then like the fate of it all and what it all meant to me. the overwhelming pain and the moments where you let yourself imagine the worst .. it’s crippling but it necessitates you to spring into action about saving yourself and finding creative ways to do so.. maybe it was something that then I can help someone else with down the road, God forbid it ever happens to someone I know . The radiation from the ct test into my brain… I did not think ! I did not think enough .. of how it would affect me and more importantly the effect of the new tissues developing in my head from the concussion .. I could feel it not secure after the ct .. I was fine before.. the doctor said I passed the neurological tests with flying colors and wanted to discharge me with a mild concussion … I asked for a scan Bec I had a small amount of blood in my ear the second day this was already the fourth day in .. she scheduled me a ct scan explaining that they normally do ct before mri and mri takes 40 min … I read about the radiation that there’s much more in this than mri and even X-ray .. I’ve had ct scan before but not on my brain! the fear I had in my body was palpable.. was moving away from the machine …I should have listened.. I was asking a million questions to the radiologist before I did it .. there’s a reason they don’t offer this to babies and children .. even the radiologist said for children they are still forming for adults it’s ok because all our tissues are formed … she said she had someone else waiting to do a scan… she said she’s not allowed to force me to do anything and suggested taking some more time to think it over … why didn’t I do that… she said her husband had to take a ct scan to rule out a life threatening disease.. she said she wouldnt suggest doing it but if it’s to rule out something like brain bleeding then yes it is worth it.. I felt I was taking too much of her time and also just felt like maybe I was being cowardly … she said “ don’t worry, it’s all in your head”… I did it.. while I was in there it was maybe a minute or two .. it was soo hot by the end … they didn’t place a cover on my heart or lung and stomach area just my gonads … the miracles I went through .. I put an icon of a Saint on my head right after the ct when there was a lot of pain and it went away .. and then the comfort of knowing you’re fine when really you’re not .. and the convulsions came at night to tell me that.. that’s when I realized I microwaved my brain, doing the scan ..

The thing is the part of my brain that was hurt was adapting and creating new cells so in a way part of my head was like a child’s .. with new tissues forming , maybe I’m wrong but it seems to me there is something here, that the ct could have caused adverse reactions and caused a full body convulsion

I was fine before the scan

Anyway now I’m remembering more into these details and I’m glad im able to write them down in some way

But now I don’t know what to write except to write it all for documentation’s sake

Hopefully I’ll come back and add more to how I feel about it all now ..

Oh ya the trust you feel when u ask your family should I do this. and they all say yes—- to that point I want to add— future self , if you’re listening , don’t listen to them… they don’t know .. at least they know a lot of things but not as well as you know yourself.

Don’t feel sorry for the doctor who is waiting for you to make up your mind ..take the time to think it over — I know it would have taken 6 months for me to get a scan had I not taken the plunge then and there at emerg .. that’s another reason my reasoning made me do it. Future self if you ever have doubts there’s a reason ..there’s something you’re not fully wrapped your mind around — you’ve got half a healthy brain for crying out loud why are you making such critical decisions so fast!!!!

I took so many natural antioxidants after all this .. it did help .. esp Apple cider vinegar..one teaspoon per cup of water

Also strawberries, 100 percent cocoa, bit of coffee ( being a coffee addict, Im happy I actually managed to abstain from it the first half week, until I realized it was actually healthy for my Brain)

Apples …lots of apples

had relatives thinking im acting everything out and pretending…

Had bouts of really low energy and nausea closer to evenings

Can’t imagine what cancer patients go through !

God forbid

Am feeling better with each day

update: I remember thinking and still think sometimes maybe it was fated in a good way because somehow yesterday (3 days after ct) as I was getting a bit better, I suddenly had an urge to do all the things I was weak and tired and unmotivated to do with no fears, like the fear and overthinking of my brain got zapped or something, and they were gone!! can you imagine! I was putting things off like starting a YouTube channel and learning how to do Final Cut Pro, among other things -and ideas… well yesterday I managed to do everything !! and as hard and complicated as I thought it all was, I managed! and in so little time… I felt like a kid again just learning the ropes, like riding a bike for the first time, it was so natural… like the constant overthinking that stopped me before wasn’t there…